32. Self Sabotage & Energetic Upgrades

Jun 08, 2023

Episode summary:

Are you in a pattern of self sabotage?

Do you recognise yourself taking steps forward, and then 102,782,629 steps back?

Sibling, I've got you with this week's podcast episode,

which is all about what exactly is underlying self sabotage,

and also - the details on my recent breakthrough!


Hey sibling Welcome to the unmasking unschool podcast. I'm your host, Louisa Shaeri aka sola flare. We are all solar flares defying the gravity of groupthink beaming frequencies that disrupt the airwaves. And in this podcast, I share perspectives and reframes from the solar system, a liberate re framework for creative autistic folks who are seeking another way to see know and be yourself, you are not here to fit in. And the radical reimagining of how to honour all of who you're here to be begins within

a sibling Saturday's about self sabotage, and breaking through, I'm going to share my very own recent breakthrough as an example. And I've also got kids at home. So you might hear some extra noises in the background, hopefully, it will be of use to any of you who recognise patterns of self sabotage or moving forward a little bit, and then 10 steps back. Or that you keep trying to reach beyond your current circumstances or quality of life, and change things or change habits. And there's a kind of snapping back to an old familiar reality. And you're wondering what's going on. And there are three ingredients really in stretching towards any goal. And those three things are strategy is the path actually going to work for you. And for so many of us, that path has to be invented, right? The other ingredient is thought work. So it's going to throw up a bunch of stuff that's in contradiction to you being that, and a lot of unchecked ideas and things that you've absorbed from around you that actually don't align with, who you're trying to be what you're trying to do, or what your values are. And then the third ingredient is nervous system safety, actually feeling and perceiving in your nervous system, that it's safe to be that. And it's the third one that I really want to talk to in this episode, we are co created co enabled or not by our social surroundings, and by the languages and ways of sensemaking offered up by those social environments, and the degree to which those are attuned. And we are accurately and positively reflected back. And a lack of accurate and positive reflection from outside sources, external authorities is going to shape our sense of self in a certain way, the identity that we take on and we conform to, and the possibilities that our nervous system is able to perceive as being safe for us to express. And this is why the most important ingredient if you ask me, of making change, right, transforming something in the outer world, or the outer ways that you're expressing yourself, to match your inner self, the outrageous magnificence and potency of your full being. The most important ingredient is who you believe you are. So notice I said believe who you believe you are. Beliefs are deeper than thought beliefs are shaped in the nervous system. They are the imprinted, working assumptions that our body relies on as being the thing that we're adapted to. Right. It's the body based wiring about what and who and how is safe. And so, in your upbringing, in your schooling, in all of your experiences. If there were patterns of an attunement to your needs, or patterns of harm, or patterns of neglect, then your wiring for what it's safe to be. It's going to be more aligned in many ways to the self, you've been reflected as projected onto you as rather than in itself. Because in those instances, there are survival needs that are in conflict, right. The need to be included and belong and be looked after. and the need to react to the unsafe conditions. And so if reacting or expressing anger or sadness or a need or boundary wasn't affirmed or welcomed or was seen as bad or wrong or negative then or just socially not normalised, then your body has had to hold and store that response in, right. And that holding in pattern means that any reminders of any similar instance where you are seeking to grow, where you have a need or a desire to express that part of you, then there's also going to be that part of you that's holding you back. And so this is the route of self sabotage. Because the identity you conformed to for safety is an identity that is also about holding back, right. There's the internal voice, the internal knowing the internal urges, impulses, nudges. And then there's that being squashed so that an external authority can be appeased. And in that there's a retraction, there's an apologising, there's an appeasing of others discomfort, there's a hiding, self shaming or retreating. And so there may be an unfulfilled part of you and unfulfilled or an or a seemingly hard to reach level or quality of life, or standard that you're wanting to hold or boundary that you're wanting to keep or sense of your own worthiness. And it might be that you look at people who hold similar identities as you and you're wondering, well, how come they can do it? Or why don't they have the same internal struggle? Why are they not having the same fear and resistance. And there is a confusion, there's a self doubt there's an imposter syndrome, there's the sense that it's about you. And it might be that you've kind of consciously understood and done a kind of political reeducation of self and contextualised some of those experiences within a wider understanding of systemic harms. And possibly also work through some of the stuff from your past or your upbringing that maybe is influencing this. And so there may have been opportunities to internally acknowledge and be seen in that and recognise what you've been up against. And so theoretically, and within yourself, there is a sense of the self blame is gone. But then still, in practice, there's still this old operating manual, these old codes that are beyond conscious awareness, right, that are underneath are in your body, and that are still there as limits on your self concept, and the person that you get to be. And so one of the ways this plays out is self sabotage, you get on board a goal, you stretch you reach, you start seeing yourself differently, you start taking action. And then after that, when you make progress or success or something happens, you then react to it by snapping back to an old self. By sabotaging, it's like a clap back, but not from other people, although that might also be present, but from your own body, which can be really confusing, and can be any kind of undoing actions that undermine what you're consciously trying to create, right. And this might show up as a feeling of just suddenly, not knowing who you are, and being lost and confused about everything that you were sure about. Or it might look like a health flare up after some kind of breakthrough or success, or shut downs, or doing things that are old self. So the discomfort of what you're trying to create or being yourself on a new level. For some of us, the discomfort outweighs the discomfort of staying small and holding back. And so that stretching feels like there's an Olympic athlete level of effort going in, but you're somehow wading through mud or running at an elastic invisible wall. That means that the path looks clear. It should be okay. And yet, every time that you reach towards the finish line, you're pinged right back And so that practice of embodying and leaning into the discomfort of that new identity, that is the work. But it can also be helpful to know that this is like a spiral. This is like a pendulum motion, you move a little bit forward, your body isn't fully convinced of the new identity or experience being safe, and then you ping back into retreat. And you kind of cycle forward in that way.

So if you're recognising that there is a bit of that like, moving forward, and then moving back, stretching into new and then a response or reaction, it's like the child who runs out from their caregiver a little bit further than they have before. Like the toddler that's running out, and then runs straight back to make sure that the safe place is still available. And that safe place might not be a loving elder for you now, but it's self protective mechanism, an old identity that is no longer appropriate to your current life is not who you're wanting to limit yourself as. But it might still be the operating manual your body perceives as the most reliable, the most safe, and is most adapted and adjusted to and therefore is trying to recreate. So this is okay, if you're having this pendulum swing this kind of spiral forward and spiral back spiral forward and spiral back. That's okay, this is part of the process. And this is also why the work of becoming more of yourself, or stretching beyond who you've been being can be aided by repeat consistent access to safe people or safe spaces in which you are being positively and accurately reflected back. And therefore, the consciously created desired experiences that you're trying to move towards, can also be affirmed within relationship. And that means that it's not just an understanding that's happening intellectually, or in theory. It's not just liberation as an idea. But it's possible in your body, being accurately and positively reflected back, not just in your struggles, not just in your needs and boundaries, but also in claiming and expressing your deepest desires, your felt truths that urges the impulses, the visions of who you could be and what you could make happen. So when you practice seeing yourself as enough, and acting accordingly, one tiny stretch, uncomfortable stretch at a time. And when that self is reflected back enough times, and the results that you're creating in those actions taken from that pace, are starting to build proof and evidence is the point when your nervous system can release that past self. And then you can step into that goal, that more accurate self, that next self, that you've been practising, and finally embody that self. People call it energetic upgrades, which carries so many manifesting associations and the idea that you need to feel good to attract the things that you want, but I'm gonna call bullshit on that. You don't need to be high vibe or happy spiritually bypassing the lived experience of your actual reality, to change it. You actually need to acknowledge the things that you don't want, and be with the experiences that you're having, and connected to how your inner self is actually experiencing them. But it is an energetic upgrade on a biological level. Because in releasing a past self, that is that has been formed in harmful and unsafe experiences, you're also releasing stored survival energy, right and freeing up your cells to do their job of creating energy more efficiently. There's a different reality and possibility and ease to which your nervous system can then newly adapt to and so there's an upgrading of your ability to create energy and also your experience of your life and the level of ease and safety that you've been able to create And after that, you then are outside of the tonne of fun, right? You're like blinking, everything's suddenly bright, you're like, everything looks a bit different. And you can see, oh, this is old stuffy energy and like decisions that, I don't know if I want to do that anymore. And like ways you've been living that now feel a bit off and old and dusty. And it's spring cleaning time. And then there's an external material rejiggering of material existence that then mirrors that new internal reorganisation. And there's also new capacity to experience the good stuff, right, and the stuff that you actually do want, without the clapback, of self sabotage. So this releasing of old selves is what I wanted to talk to you about, and share my recent version of it, I'm gonna give you the before and the after, and a bit of story in between. So, the before was this pattern of pendulum swing in throughout the whole of 2022, I was very conscious and aware of a pattern of reaching stretching in terms of this work and being visible and setting goals. And immediately after any kind of progress or success, there was this, like clapback retreat disappearing. And every time I was reaching, there was also this creeping sense of you are lower class, you are not good enough. Who do you think you are, you are wrong. And in response to that, me seeking all of the ways to try and be legitimate, and still a flavour of conforming and trying to be part of the coaching industry, where I was taking some of it on, that was coming from a little bit of trying to fit in, right, trying to be legitimate. And part of me also seeking the right ways, to build a business, to be a coach, to show up online, to do all the things right, and an awareness of this. And then another thing that was happening was people I worked with giving me compliments, or crediting something good happening with our coaching. And when they've shared that with me, there's been a part of me that's been like, recoiling and battling it and downplaying it. And yeah, being uncomfortable in it, and really my brain trying to deny those results and that feedback. And then there was a part of me that was believing, like, Oh, my chosen role that I'm doing now is kind of a fantasy, it's kind of made up is a bit of a delusion or hobby, it's not real. And at the end, I'll share that after to this before. But before I go there, I want to just get into what happened in between what that breakthrough of this particular pattern, what the experience of that was, so that you have an example. So as I said, I've been observing this pattern of internal clap backs and holding back and it had been quite painful because I could see it happening. And I couldn't find the way to shift it until March this year, when I planned to do a live seminar, and open doors to the solar system. And leading up to that live seminar, I had a lot of sensations in my body that were different from the usual nerves. I'm quite on board with nerves as being a version of excitement or being an indication that I care about something and being something that sometimes you just have to ride the way through. But there was another layer. On this occasion, that felt weird, that felt more discombobulated. I decided to follow through. And I'm big on taking imperfect action and just doing the thing to, to then be able to make conclusions from it. And it went fine. was good. But immediately afterwards, I felt this really intense, deep, painful shame. Not because the seminar had gone wrong, and it went fine. It was good people came people had a good time. But because of the way I knew that I had planned and delivered it. And the slightly outdated way that I'd done all of that, and how that had been reflective of an old identity that was ready to be purged an old identity that was about being the Ideator, coming up with ideas, while being an outsider, and excluded.

And that old identity was no longer reflective of what my body was now believing me to be a newly able to trust, except I couldn't fully become that and do a seminar, a live presentation on zoom as that self, because first I needed to throw off and purge this old identity, this old self. So leading up to it, I had this dry retching feeling. And immediately after the afterwards, this deep shame that wasn't, it wasn't a vulnerability hangover. It wasn't like something had gone wrong or done something that was embarrassing or shameful. It was old self coming up to be purged, it was the old self that took over the seminar prep that draws on stuff from several years ago. And the feeling of not not reflecting who I was now, who I see myself as now who I've become. But I needed to feel through it to know that. So I slowed down everything that I was doing. And there was a launch, there was an opening of the solar system that was meant to happen over a week, I slowed it down to five weeks. So that I could really observe and carefully move through what was coming up. And once I'd moved through it, I understood it. So what came up was from secondary school, it was stuff I thought I dealt with. And really, I had dealt with it. But there was this deeper impact of those experiences on my identity, right? On the beliefs I had about who it's safe for me to be. I can remember sitting on benches, outbreaks, break times with this group of cool girls wanting to be like them, wanting to be liked by them. And really being cast in this role. kind of accidentally, as a kind of tag along as allowed, tolerated, but not really included. And my experience of that was one that I didn't want. I wanted to be able to be myself, I didn't want to be nonverbal. Some of the time, I wanted to be able to keep up with the conversation that was happening across the group. I wanted to be in the middle. And I was kind of on the side, being very quiet, understood a shy, being this kind of sidekick, and hating myself for it. And then every night going home and saying tomorrow, I'm going to be different. And I'm going to be myself, I'm going to be popular, I'm going to be this I'm going to be like that girl, I'm going to do this thing. And really studying them to understand how to be an all of those experiences over months and months. And I think it's probably years embedded the belief in me that I'm the excluded outsider. And then I don't get to choose my role, my social role. And at the same time that all of this was happening, I was also being rewarded by people around me in the school, in my peer groups for my artistic skills. So there I was excluded outsider, but embraced for ideating for creating for artistic stuff. So deeply embedded, was this outsider, critiquer Ideator excluded person. And if you look at my life, you can see this play out in my vocational choices artist outsider critique Ideator and that Ideator that creative self was tied up with being the outsider, which worked for a while right, which is great. But now what I've been moving into experiences where I'm not an outsider with anyone I work with. I'm very much creating sanctuary He's in safe spaces in which I'm the facilitator, the insider, right. And a lot of opposite experiences to what those school years were. And so this new way of being and the outward affirmation by those I work with, and the role I've created, was very much at odds with there being this excluded outsider, and this belief that I don't get to choose my role. And the creative aspects of this, were tied up with the idea of being an outsider, right. So this is what was coming up to be poached. And that ideation part of me is also released, and the elastic wall is dissolved. And this new reality has become the reality that my nervous system is adapted and adjusted to. And that purging, had to happen, didn't feel good, felt very messy. It felt like ah, what are people gonna think. But I know well enough to put what's going on inside me as a priority. And I have the space to be able to do that. I'm in charge of my own business. And it's been a very slow and very strange feeling of reorganising of my inner self, my energy, my sense of what's possible, as a result in in the last few weeks since, and I'm now surveying my life, and everything. And it's really clear that there's an our spring cleaning job to do clearing out all the cobwebs of that old self. There's a lot of clutter and static. And a lot of, Oh, why have I made things so overcomplicated? Why have I been deferring sentiment and self expression? Why have I been living in limits? And so the after your After Effects is being able to see this stagnant energy and blocked stuffiness and this static in my surroundings that no longer match how I'm perceiving life now. And there's a big clearing happening. There's a very subtle, but very clear signal. Oh, that things need to be rearranged. On the outside my hair isn't me. So I had my hair done. There's like, home stuff organised, how things are arranged that I'm immediately like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I hacked away this old cupboard that was kind of falling apart, in our kitchen and repainted the wall, there's been this strange sense of, oh, no, no, no, no, no, the clothes I've been wearing, this doesn't feel good anymore. How I'm showing up in a certain way, across my life, is needing this kind of tuning, right and clearing and refreshing and embodying my internal authority. Now, you might be thinking, okay, how can I apply this to me, I'm not a coach, I don't work with exclusively autistic folks, or this is not available as a lived experience. So I just want to say this was my personal flavour of one of my deep seated beliefs that I didn't know was there being released, this role is also the expression of a deeply desired and suppressed part of me, yours will be different, yours are in you. And it's in creating the material evidence in being with people who can affirm that, that you can start to more and more stretch into and being in that spiral and the pendulum and identify what is it that you want? What is it that you need to be able to live and fulfil in this lifetime? What do you want to believe as possible? What are the hunches that won't leave you alone? Or that spark life in you, even though it also fills you with self doubt? What are the essences of you that you've always been that aren't feeling fully expressed right now? What are all the things that you would ideally create in your life? And then there's all these reasons why not? What are the values and boundaries that you want to claim? But you feel like what would that person think? So it's a allowing the fact that there is both there is both the inner self. And then there's also all of the old identity stuff, in contradiction with some of that.

So we build that belief. And we build that safety of the new self, the more aligned self, the more aligned life. While we build the material, and systems change and interdependent routes and external safety and proof, we conceive of and dream, and envisage and write and draw and share from within. We invest and direct our resources, our time and money or energy or physical space, or attention into those. We take tiny steps and build momentum, we take in the impact of those tiny steps and be encouraged by them. We share them with one person that gets us feel believed and seen. We don't share it with people who are doubters or don't have the tools to understand until we've already shored up understanding elsewhere and can withstand that. We make strides the pace of our nervous system. We don't hustle to override our own limits of the sense of not enoughness, or trying to be the self doubt by our pacing it, we trust the pendulum swing of moving forward and back or stretching and retreating. We come into a new relationship with those current limits that is loving, compassionate, and non judgmental. We don't think of self sabotage as the self being mean, but rather as an adjustment that's in transition. And we acknowledge that all of this takes time. And all of this is not something you can just overcome by trying to think differently, without also creating some external material evidence. And also experiencing relationships in which that inner self starts to feel more and more possible. So I hope this has been a good episode for you. Let me know if you have experiences of this, where you're at what you're trying to create. And just know that all of the internal resistance all of the feelings that that you are your own worst enemy, that it's okay, and it's part of it. And breakthroughs are possible. And if you consider that it took a long time for me to on work, just this belief, right? Just this belief that I don't get to choose my role, that I'm the excluded outsider. That this stuff isn't overnight. Alright, siblings, I'm going to finish it there. I'm going to talk to you soon. And if you are on Instagram and you're not connected to me, please come find me. I'm going to put the link in the top of the show notes of this episode. And feel free to DM me your thoughts on what you think about this episode. And I'll talk to you next week. Love you. Bye. Thank you for listening to this week's unmasking unschool podcast. It means the world to me that you and I are in orbit. You can join my mailing list and receive other resources and insights and stories for your journey of self becoming. And if you're ready to go deeper into this work and you're looking for support, implement it all and activate your future self. I want to invite you to join my six month online unmasking unschool it's called the Solar System Plus siblings you can unlearn the habits of self negating and hiding, create the worthiness, self clarity and self belief to then go and create culture shifts first in your relationship to yourself and then rippling out into everything you do and beyond. Click the link in the show notes for all the info and I will see you inside




is for #autistic-status visionaries, creatives and change-makers, who are seeking a more empowering way to see, know and be yourself.