Episode Eight: Your Own Thoughts (Identifying disbelief)

May 25, 2022



Hey siblings,

Alright, so today is about Your Own Thoughts.

And I could have called this episode Identifying Disbelief, because that's really what I want to talk about. But the focus this time is on your own thoughts.

Last week, I touched on the idea that our thoughts mediate our reality, they produce and interpret the meaning of our experiences, not just convey them. And the concept of mediating reality of models of reality. And I just want to make it okay, if you listened to the last episode, and you were thinking, 'Oh, no, I think about other people's thoughts about me all the time'. So having the thoughts is not the problem. It's more that you don't make the mean things about you that you don't put all of your energy into those thoughts.

I don't not have thoughts about what other people think. I just don't make them important or think of them as true. I don't rest on them as if they were real. I also manage my thoughts; I put a lot of time like half an hour a day minimum into managing my thoughts. Managing your thoughts is very different from self editing and trying to only think good thoughts or right thoughts or approvable thoughts. So managing your thoughts is more about creating awareness of what you are even thinking and observing your thoughts, The Good, the Bad, and the ugly. And then intentionally choosing how you want to interpret your experiences.

We think of thoughts as, like a messaging system that's telling us about reality. But thoughts are a tool. It's the encoding of your reality. And we don't want to put the tool in charge of our reality. We want to be the author of it and put the tool to work towards creating that desired reality.

Bernard Stiegler is a philosopher that I like some of his concepts and to be honest, I find his books hard to read. But there was an interview with him which really helped solidify some ideas for me about what artists do what people who think outside of the norm do, which is to paraphrase Steigler is to be like flying fish; they can, we can, see the water that we swim in, you can, you know, fly above the water and see it, you're not just subject to it.

So, like you, you can observe societal constructs, you can see the coding often, because it often doesn't fit your body mind. You cannot but find it, ill fitting, and so cannot vote question a lot of the received knowledge that you have had around you. And this is also the role of the artist right to test what is at stake in the tools that mediate that shape our reality, that shape and define what things mean that we use to structure our experiences into meaning.

So Stiegler uses the example of Charlie Parker. And he says that when grammar phones came along, people stopped learning to read music and to play music and became passive consumers of it, where Charlie Parker started to using the gramophone as an instrument itself.

So it's like this, when you understand a medium that is shaping our reality is just that, then you can start to test the limits of that medium that tool and be the author be the composer of how it shapes our experiences of reality. And for me, this is what my work has always been about. What is shaping our experiences of reality? How do we transfer and intentionally construct and create an experience using the mediums that we have at hand?

And in the last few years, I've been interested in the medium of thought. And to me, this is what coaching is at its best. At its core, it's using the medium of thought regarding it as a tool for encoding experience for organising our lived experience into meanings that help us.

And although it's a totally different field of work and vocation and set of norms to visual arts, what it is for me is that you increase and you maximise your agency, your ability to shape your life towards what you want.

So it's always future focused is looking towards what am I trying to create, and using the medium of thoughts, to really encode your current experiences and your interpretation of where you're currently at, towards then creating where you want to be, it's taking me a while to be okay with saying that 'I'm a coach' out loud, because it has meant, or I have thought that it's meant giving up some of the mystique and the social capital, that being an artist gives you. And I'm never not an artist, but the medium of thoughts and of reality, creation has got my attention in a big way. And I'm loving it so much in how it feels to apply this and to work with on with these tools with other people, that I've reshaped the entire structure of my artistic practice, to centre around the idea that I'm also creating thought works. And I don't expect anyone in art to really understand this choice.

And to be honest, I'm really okay with that, because of what I see happen for those I work with; that they shift their reality, because of the mirror that I hold up to their own thoughts. But also, because of the frameworks and the thought works that I offer up for solving this issue of how to be yourself as someone who is like, well, I identify with autistic traits, or I'm new neurodivergent, and that's all good. But there's all these other aspects of me, and how all of these interplay together, I still have this question of how do I actually do this life.

And I've been thinking about this problem for a long time. And so my thinking has become super sharp around what the solutions are, right? This is the energy this is the coding, that I would guess that you sense and that keeps you listening. Because it's a transfer of almost like brain software, from me to you have that encoding that organises your experiences, that helps you understand them in ways that and make sense of them in ways that that are that feel helpful, that are shortcuts that are saving you the amount of time and the work that I put in, because of how those structures create those shortcuts, or at least that's what I experienced myself with the coaches that I choose to work with.

I'm attracted to the coding and structuring, of thinking about my own problems that are geared towards the solution that they offer. That, that means that solution becomes so much more likely and so much more available and achievable. So it's like that.

So thoughts are tools for creating what we want, but only if we take up our full power to use them as a tool, rather than be played by them, like passively consuming the music of gramophone or the thoughts of society or our past, or the brain's own desire to stick to sameness and to its current ideas and structuring and coding.

So when our thoughts are happening to us, and aren't in our conscious toolbox as things that we can use, but we're subject to them, we end up with unintended results. And that's what you and I have both experienced right this is the unnecessary suffering, that feeling that you aren't enough or chronic under earning or masking all the time.

These are direct results of these are unintentional results that come from absorbing and internalising models of reality that aren't for us that aren't fitting our body minds that are keeping us from truly realising, activating, realising and making real, making reality on the outside, all of what is a felt possibility on the inside.

So thoughts are a tool for creating what you want if you use them as a tool.

And today is all about your own thoughts and specifically identifying disbelief.

So let's get into it.

So when you decide that you want a different experience of your life, or when you set a goal, and then you make a decision, to go for something to set a higher standard or to no longer settle, or that this is something I want to create, this is something I want to experience, your brain will offer up reasons why it's not possible. So offer up disbelief in the goal or the future reality or the future self that you are desiring, right.

So it will offer up existing and past models of reality that correspond to your current circumstances, and not that desired future reality. In the solar system. After three months, siblings have travelled round one cycle, one round of the solar system, they've gone through all nine planets, and then they reach a module called self revolution, which essentially means go again, but this time you apply it, and I have them set a three year goal, and to set that goal in the present tense.

And the point of this is that it creates a perspective on the present and the immediate decisions.

It contextualises those current decisions with the view of that three year goal from that three year goal of already having achieved that three year goal in three years time. So it's a kind of sifting and prioritising and coding of thoughts and decisions in the now.

And what happens is that whenever you set a goal, or you decide to be a new version of yourself, or to go for something that feels outside of your current reality, then your brain will offer up disbelief.

Another word for this is cognitive dissonance, that feeling of holding two opposing models of reality at once, the model of your current reality, which feels very safe and familiar and known and true and easy to believe. Believe just means it feels like reality, or it's a reality that you've acted upon a lot, that you've thought a lot.

And then the new desired reality, which feels impossible and new and hard to think and hard to believe. So you might have experienced this, for example, it took me years to feel comfortable to say to people, "I am an artist", because my brain was in disbelief that this could be taken seriously. And I was looking for proof and not finding very much. And I had to keep acting from that being true. For it to start feeling true, when it came out of my mouth.

I've had the same exact experience with "I'm a coach", I've been doing it for two years. But it's taken me that long to feel really legitimate in my own belief that this could be true.

And the same is often true is any goal with a money goal. If you want to make more money and your past has always been low income, then your brain is going to offer up an entire paradigm and entire model of reality that the you don't get to have that or that it's out of reach or that you'd have to be someone you're not for that to be possible, when really that's just the reality that you've practised being in, and that feels the most true to your brain.

So when you set a big goal, or you start taking a secret dream seriously, or you start to want to show up in a new way, your brain will freak out and act up like a toddler and have tantrums and give you very compelling reasons why it's not possible.

So in other words, it will offer up disbelief.

And disbelief is what creates the discomfort.

And your job is to become aware of the disbelief to identify that it's there and not to believe it or to not act upon it. So you don't want to pretend that it's not there. But to identify that that is all it is. And then keep taking action as if the desired reality is the reality that you are now acting from as if the goal is already done in the future. And now you're just under following the path of how you got there.

Now, here's the thing. Disbelief is very sneaky.

So you might think that you have belief, when really you don't.

So I want to offer some ways in which disbelief might be hiding, and how you can identify that disbelief, from what you're doing.

And before I list, all of the ways, it's shown up for me, I want to really say that when you notice disbelief, your job is to recognise that it all it is, is your brain trying to get out of an unknown? And the unknown is the how, how will you actually make the goal happen? How will it feel along the way, how other people respond, and the unknown of whether you can actually do it? Right.

So you will have this disbelief. And it's all about just recognising that all you're trying to do is get out of that discomfort of that unknown, that uncomfortable unknown.

Yes, you guessed it, this is another 'Tunnel of Un-'.

So possibly the disbelief will sneakily hide in the following ways...

And before I dive in, and just say that, if any of this resonates, just know that I can make this list, because every single one of them is a pattern that I've had myself, and some of which are still very much reoccurring. And I observe a lot. So this is not a one and done thing. It's more that every time you set a new goal, then new levels of disbelief come up. Because, again, it's like a new model of reality, right? That you're trying on, and that you're trying to make real that you're trying to realise. And so each time, you will have disbelief.

So identifying disbelief is what will help you get to your goal. So if you can identify it and make it conscious, then you know that that's all it is. So as soon as we're honest with ourselves about what we want, or what is not working, or deciding enough is enough, or setting a goal, we create a distance between where we're at now, and where we want to go.

And it creates a distance between - there's something that I don't have in my current reality, but I want it and that want means discomfort, right? It creates discomfort, and that discomfort is disbelief that the what is possible, is the dissonance of trying to hold two possibilities at once.

What is realistic, real -istic? What is real now?

Versus what is the reality that we desire to make real.

So we deal with that discomfort by trying to fill it up with distractions, or with things that we think we know. So we try and get out of the unknown by filling it with what we think we know.

And to try and answer the unknowns or run away from them.

So sometimes, we think that the way that we're gonna get there is through taking lots of actions that make it seem more possible. So this might be a way that disbelief shows up for you running and rushing away from doubt.

So if you are someone who is quite frenetic or hectic, rushing through everything, and trying to get things done at fast speed, so this is a major pattern that I have to keep on learning, rushing through everything, because I believe on some level, I can't get there on my own time and pace. So I need to squeeze everything in. And that is how it will happen. So that is evidence of disbelief, right? So I'm going to try and run away from the doubt by just doing more and more and more. And being busy, busy, busy, and I'm so busy. There's all this stuff to do. It's like a distraction from doubt, or from disbelief.

Another way that we take actions to try and cover up disbelief is for example, spending money to try to create the belief that more money is coming. This is another one I've had to work on. So thinking that the feeling of spending money, because then more because more money is coming is how to create the belief that more money is coming.

So spending money to try and believe that more money is coming.

Another way that you might do this is to try and create certainty and belief is by planning all the steps in your head. So you have an idea or a vision for something that you want to create. And then you have this excitement and these nerves and this desire for it and this want and you feel motivated. And then you start to imagine how you will get there. Oh, and you start to imagine, and plan all of the steps ahead of time in your head. And then you can't even know the steps until after you've done it. So you start to imagine these steps that are just made up ideas in your head about how it's all going to pan out. And then you get granular with all the details of the how in your mind, because that's what we do. And then those details very quickly, feel completely overwhelming.

And the goal itself, then feels overwhelming, and much, much harder.

And impossible, and then we don't even start.

And then that tiny bit of belief that we had, that came from that vision is gone.

So that's something I've definitely done a lot is trying to know how it's all gonna happen. And in trying to plan all of the steps, I get completely overwhelmed, and is gone.

Another thing that we that we do is thinking that we aren't ready yet, I have to accumulate a million qualifications, or get official permissions and institutional or industry approval, and then I'll be ready. Or I have to feel confident first, and that I have to feel ready and good in my emotions and confident, and then I'll be ready to start. When really, confidence also comes afterwards, you only know how and you only feel confident that you can do it when you've done it. Another way that disbelief shows up is I'm confused.

So confusion is just allowing that dissonance to be in charge is saying oh, I don't know what to do, or I don't know what I want, or I don't know how to stop. The so confusion is just a way of stalling action. Another way that I still action a lot is by being very in the vision and imagining it and trying to create certainty through that.

And then I get so attached to the certainty of the vision that I don't want to take action and actually have to find out if it's possible, and actually have to do all of the failing along the way, or actually find out if this is something I can do.

So trying to fall in love with the vision of how it's going to be instead of beginning the messy, uncomfortable process of trying, taking all of these different routes to figure out which is the way to get there. And being in the actual journey of it.

Another one, and this is a good one is thinking that we have matters of healing to do first.

Like I need to be this serene, fully healed, perfect person first. And then I will guarantee that I will get that goal because will I'm healed and have no more drama, no more BS. And see how ridiculous it sounds when we say it out loud.

But it's a thought that I've had to address maybe it's a thought that you have that or to do all this healing first.

And then I can start working on what I want to create, when in fact, the journey is where we heal.

The journey is how we discover exactly what needs healing because the journey points to where we are triggered, or where we have disbelief that rears its head or where something comes up that is in our way. And then that's the thing that you work on.

Another way that we deal with disbelief in unhelpful ways is that we get attached to a specific way that we think success will happen. So we've seen how someone else does it.

And we think all I need to do is copy HOW they do it. And that I will get the same result. Or we try to take a bunch of courses to know exactly how or we get attached to thinking that we have the exact right strategy to get to that goal. And then when we try it, we try that how we try that route that someone else has given us.

Or that we've attached our goal to and when it doesn't work, because we've attached the goal to that specific how that specific method or strategy, and then the method doesn't work. We think oh no, the goal won't work. The goal isn't possible either. So then we give up so when we put belief onto a specific how and the how it doesn't work. Then we end up again, in disbelief.

So this is especially true I think for neurodivergent people because we are offered so many HOW's that literally don't work.

Like you're supposed to feel good doing work in this way. And this is how you reach a goal and be consistent and be good at so called basic things. And you shouldn't be so good at being so insightful or having original thoughts don't do that. And this is the timeline of life. Here are the current milestones, why aren't you there yet. And what happened, that means you aren't succeeding.

And then all of this being invisible.

So really, we have to invent our own HOWs, invent our own timelines, that means doing things, making decisions that maybe other people won't understand.

And that's also a gift because we have to trust ourselves.

And hold on to that inner belief, instead of expect that belief to be something that we can source from around ourselves.

Another thing that we do is we think that other people need to believe our goal first, or believe that we can do it. So again, this is delegating belief, trying to find it, and source it in other people, instead of first identifying disbelief in yourself first.

So all of this is an attempt to get out of the discomfort, trying to falsely create belief or run away from the disbelief, when in fact, we just need to identify it and realise what it is, and then be in that unknown.

And that dissonance of not knowing how having no guarantees, as we start as we begin. And as we start taking steps, the goal won't happen if disbelief is in the driving seat.

So imagine our thoughts are like hooligans, in the car of our life, shouting out directions.

And they are looking at different maps, different models of reality, different maps for how you're going to get to your destination, your desired reality or goal.

One of them is looking at the map of your past, and telling you to turn around, go back to where you came from.

Where are you going? This is not your neighbourhood. What are you doing? This is not you... stop?

And another one is looking at the map of other people's ideas of you and saying, you don't want to do that. Who do you think you are? And I don't think you should do that. Because what might happen?

And what also others think. So when we look to people around us, that supposedly know us best that knows really well. They are often the most resistant and the most in disbelief for the new thing that we're trying to create, right?

Because the people that know us best know the version of us that we've been beaming out, that we've been communicating and believing ourselves to be. So when we choose to reframe our experiences to recode, who we've decided that we are and who we are becoming, or the future that we're trying to create, then suddenly, we're beaming out some new messaging, right?

And the people that suppose the newest best, then experience dissonance. So then they are offering back the models of you that they've been operating with, and saying, No, that's not you, what are you doing, I don't believe in that thing that you're trying to create.

And so looking to people around you that believe that they know you best for belief in who you're becoming, and where you're trying to get to, is only going to be discouraging.

So don't try to delegate belief to other people.

Something that can be really helpful is going into new groups, new people, new environments, new relationships, and having that fresh perspective on you from someone else. Be the arena in which you can start practising that new version of yourself or experiencing yourself in more of the direction of where you're going and acting from your chosen thoughts in that desired reality.

And then not being confronted by those old models that they are sending back to you. Another thought hooligan in the in the car is looking at the map of societal values and telling you that you just need to be more productive and reach these expectations and hustle to make it and act neurotypical a bit longer. Go faster and faster beat the traffic etc.

So disbelief, thoughts are really just thoughts telling us to stay safe in the familiar routes, looking at old maps that our brain has been using thoughts that your brain is offering up to try and get out of the unknowns of the next steps towards that desired future, rushing from doubt, over planning, trying to think of all the steps ahead, and then getting totally overwhelmed trying to maintain the same level of circumstances because it feels familiar, or delegating the job of belief to other people or to accolades, or living in excuses of I'm not ready yet, and so on.

These are ways that I have tried to get rid of disbelief when we let disbelief be in the driving seat, our destination will reflect that disbelief, right? We will be driving according to that map. When we put our desired reality in the driving seat, then we are directing our thoughts according to that map.

And that is how we get to that desired result instead.

So as if it's already done in the future, we're listening for the next right turn, we're drawing the map as we go. We don't need to know the how. And we have to be in the uncomfortable unknowns of inventing that as we go.

Meanwhile, all of the thoughts in our head, all of the hooligans in the back, offering ideas of who we are and what we should do, that are just no longer applicable.

So choosing what reality is in the driving seat is choosing what reality you end up experiencing.

So your thoughts are tools for getting the results that you want, and you get to choose which thoughts are in the driving seat of your life. And you have to start with acknowledging and becoming aware of all of the disbelief that is shouting out directions from old maps from old models of reality.

So here's how you know that you are taking actions, while disbelief is not in the driving seat, but it's in the back.

So first of all, you come right down.

You allow the disbelief thoughts hooligans to shout out, but you don't drive based on what they are shouting.

Because instead, you are putting your desired reality in the driving seat, you are putting that reality that you feel inside but don't have any outside evidence for yet.

And you're holding faith, meanwhile, allowing all the disbelief to have its say, you except that you can't know the route, and the and all of the paths and the roads and the turnings or the steps ahead of time.

And you can't feel confident until afterwards.

You accept that you are already ready, even if you don't feel ready.

And you can start right now.

And you only need to know the end goal. And the next step.

You have to be okay with feeling shit scared, totally unconfident a bag of nerves while taking that next step.

And while all of the hooligan thoughts are in the back of freaking out, trying to persuade you to turn around.

And to know that going after your goals, your desired reality, is exactly what offers the route to healing.

Because it shows you where are you getting in your own way. It's the bumps in the road is the stuff that gets triggered by those next steps.

Oh, this neighbourhood looks like the one from that moment in my past if I ended up there again. No. So what is this offering me up to feel and heal from the past? what conclusions did I make them about myself? What wrong turnings do they take? What no longer needs to be true? What gift what wisdom is underneath this unfelt pain or this disconnect or this fear that if I move through it will allow me to get to the next part of my journey.

So you do it along the way.

Not before starting to weigh to your desired reality is also the path of healing because the desired reality is spoken from your inner self inviting growth and shining a light on the next bit to heal. Right.

And you also know you're doing it if you're inventing your own how and your own timelines and your own map and you have a relationship with your thoughts where you aren't necessarily believing them all.

And you're not taking those hooligans and putting them in the driving seat in order to try and get out of the discomfort of taking steps towards that new reality.

And then you will start to see new results, you will start to come to new places, you will start to begin to map out how you get there.

And those new results come from having taken new turnings, new actions that are away from the well trodden paths and maps of the past, or the given routes.

And you are starting to build momentum, and a new clarity about where you're going. And the hooligan thoughts in the back are going a bit quieter that this person means business.

They are obviously on a particular route, and I've no idea where we are now.

And maybe they get out the car. And maybe when you achieve that goal, and you set a new one, you have a whole bunch of new hooligans that turn up.

All right,

so finishing up a note for my artists out there,

and anyone who's in the vocation of creating something from nothing. So creating, from no thing, making something real, that was not realised before.

This is literally how you do it, right.

So you sense and feel a possibility, right? You connect with a hunch, an instinct, and start to have a relationship with that. And then you start to work with materials or collect things that resonate with that. So you listen to that inner hunch, or felt reality, without any evidence of it yet on the outside and without any full clarity. And you start to collect things that resonate with images, materials, or whatever the thing is, and it starts to become clearer. And then you identify what you're trying to create.

And you keep trying the next thing, and through all of the failures of this material didn't quite work, or this idea, wasn't it? It's not quite right, you start to get more and more clear on what does work. And the material reality of what you're making.

More and more starts to resonate with what you've been connecting with, as a felt reality on the inside. So that it does then become a material reality on the outside.

The hypothetical conjuring space of Art offers this parallel space, to exercise this exact skill, right, the six this reality creating space.

This is, in my opinion, what artists do, and it's also what coaches do.

It's a holding space for the felt reality, the felt possibility to be realised or felt possibility that you don't yet have material evidence for yet.

And yet you sense it inside as a desire as a one as a hunch, as a pull to create as a pull to grow. And the more that you listen and heed it, the more you put it in the driving seat, the more closer you get to it.

And then that inner felt reality becomes an externally realised reality.

You keep stoking that fire and that hunch and that inner knowing, taking action from faith to that, allowing all of the disbelief along the way, all of the mistakes, all of the failures, all of the Well, that didn't work. Let me try this one.

And then your belief in that new reality starts to be stronger.

And it's only when that belief is solid, then that material reality is realised.

But by then you're so aligned with it that it feels inevitable is not surprised. It was intended. The destination was intentional. And now you've arrived.

So no one that created anything new or had any success, did it by accident.

Success is always intentional.

It's always intended and it's always a result that follows chosen thoughts, not the thoughts that are looking at their maps for evidence or not finding it there, and then using that to disbelieve that destination that that desired reality that you want to create.

So your own thoughts or tools for creating reality, it starts with identifying disbelief, allowing it into your conscious awareness.

So that you can let it sound off on the backseat, knowing that those voices will be really loud, and you don't have to feel ready, or confident or know how you'll get there. until afterwards, all you need to know is that next step, that is an instinctive felt direction towards that desired reality that is only a felt reality on the inside, until you arrive at that destination.

And that entire internal felt reality becomes real and is realised in your material reality.

Last of all, okay, so this is some of the work that we do in The SOLA System. And this is why siblings are having new results because they are working on their thoughts.

They are becoming more aware of what they're thinking of what maps and models of reality, have been active, and then consciously creating new thoughts, new ways of doing things, taking new choices that then create new experiences, doing that from that state of self connection of being connected to that inner felt truth until it becomes more and more realised on the outside.

So let me know what resonated.

Have you experienced these ways of covering up or running away from disbelief?

Join us in the siblings discord by clicking through to the show notes to share your thoughts and your experiences.

That's it for this episode, and I will talk to you very soon.



is for #autistic-status visionaries, creatives and change-makers, who are seeking a more empowering way to see, know and be yourself.